Reflections on International Women's Day 2021

It somehow seems fitting that I’ve sat down to write this first post on International Women’s Day 2021. That we still require a day to celebrate and recognise the significance of women in society baffles me. That we require a day to remind us, still, of the injustices perpetrated against women around the world saddens me. 

Although I’m just one voice in a sea of others, I’ve been contemplating beginning to write for a while. Like most things that are hard or worth doing, I kept putting it off and relegating it to the the end of my mental to-do list. If I was a therapist I would probably tell myself it’s due to a lack of self-esteem and low confidence, something that has become somewhat of a daily battle for me throughout the years. 

Earlier this week it was another international day - World Book Day. I was sent a picture from the 2001 incarnation. I was 10 years old and I excitedly dressed up (as Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz’ incase your wondering) and posed for my Mum as she captured the moment for prosperity. 

When I look at the photo of myself, standing proud with a huge smile on my face and not a care in the world, it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me angry. Somewhere along the way, in the journey from happy kid to the thirty year old woman I am today, something went wrong. I lost the ability to be myself and to not care what others thought. I lost the ability to believe that I could do anything and I became cripplingly self-conscious. On reflection, I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities and life experiences because of my own insecurities. It’s almost poetic that at thirty years old, on this day designed to celebrate the power of being a woman, I’m finally saying to myself, no more of this bullshit. 

 Trying to find a picture of me between the ages of 12-29 is hard. For many years I would duck and dive to avoid the flash of the camera because I hated the way I looked. To see myself how I thought others saw me would send me into a spiral of despair. I would zoom in and pick apart every aspect of my appearance. Although on the surface my body shows no signs of self-harm, repeated negative thoughts have left their mark on the inside. Now I realise what a shame it was to live what I’m told are ‘the best years of my life’ like this - and how this sense of not being good enough was spread within me like a disease. This disease had far-reaching consequences. It meant that I became socially reclusive and began to resent having to be in situations with lots of people. I would agonise for hours about what to wear and convince myself that If I had a spot or thought I looked fat everyone would be laughing and disgusted at me behind my back. I compressed and repressed myself. If I had something interesting or funny to say, I wouldn’t say it. I would sit, silent and reserved. I became the ‘quiet’ friend, the one who always had her head in a book (to stop people from bothering me because I was so insecure) and the one who hated confrontation, not because I didn't have an opinion but because I hated the thought of everyone looking at me. 

In my head, rightly or wrongly, I believed that my peers equated my quietness with being ‘boring’ and so this became an insecurity too as well as the persona I sank into. It was better not to speak than be completely boring. Why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say? The implications tumbled over into other aspects of my life too. I have not been on holiday abroad in nearly ten years because the thought of having to wear shorts or a swimsuit in public terrifies me. I have never been in love and I have never had a proper boyfriend. In fact, I cannot identify a single area of my life that hasn’t been affected by my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. 

Trust me, over the intervening years I've become a master of disguise. I'm sure that people who I interact with on a day to day basis wouldn't describe me as unconfident but if you are someone who struggles with these internal battles you learn to wear a mask in public. It's easier to pretend than admit defeat or have to answer questions. 

So, where did this all stem from? My issues started way before social media was a ‘thing’ so although that has a lot to answer for today, it didn’t play a part in my childhood. Of course I read magazines and of course I did not see my slightly chubby self reflected on the pages, is that what led to my lack of self-esteem? 

 I believe that the putting down of young girls and women goes much deeper and has always been insidious in our society. This obsession with changing ourselves to please others is sewn into the very fabric of our communities and we constantly pit ourselves against other women instead of boosting others up. I've been guilty of this is the past without even realising it. I am currently working my way through The Comparison Cure by Lucy Sheridan. She states that 'many of us are plagued by an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us which is cripplingly toxic to our individuality, our wants , needs and desires.'  I can relate to this hugely. I got to a point whereby I didn't know who I was or even what I liked. I'm in the process of discovering that about myself now. 

 

We think we have come a long way but we have much further to go.  I have recently been reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Before I dive into some of the wisdom that struck a cord with me, the first question that popped into my mind was this - How does a woman I’ve never met, who lives on the other side of the world, know me so well? Then I realised something tragic; my experiences are EVERY woman’s experiences and that’s how the world is designed. We’ve been conditioned to accept it that way. We are told that we must be a certain way, look a certain way and think a certain way and if we don't match up, we feel a huge sense of failure. But, we are literally striving for the impossible! 

That's why I've finally taken this step to start this blogging journey. I am sticking two fingers up to the voice in my head that says I can't, people will judge me. Who are these people and so what? I only have one life and so I should live it how I want. 

It's taken me a long time to reach this point and my learning is not finished. I have days where I wobble. Days that are a struggle to get through and where I question myself constantly but something has got to change and we need to stop making ourselves small in order to make others feel big. I wish I could have told my ten-year old self this to prepare her for what was to come. Unfortunately, life does not work that way and so all we can do is try and be true to ourselves in the future.  As Glennon Doyle says 'when a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself.'